MEMORANDUM

TO:                  Ron Morris

                        “The State”

FROM:            Everyone Who Has Attended College. Ever.

RE:                   Beer

DATE:             13 August 2012

Given the number of years you have “covered” Gamecock football for your “newspaper,” it is both surprising and disappointing to see the extent to which you are disconnected from the reality of a college campus. The most recent installment in your increasingly flaccid series of attempts to antagonize Steve Spurrier is based on a college student’s consumption of beer.

Though we question the sincerity of your outrage over college students drinking beer, we recommend you undertake a more attainable pursuit: stopping continental drift comes to mind. Your soap-box article repeatedly cites that 21 is the drinking age and underage alcohol consumption is illegal. We know that. Tanner McEvoy knows it. Spurrier knows it.

It is against the rules…so is “travelling” in the NBA, jaywalking on Millwood Avenue, and speeding on I-95. Rules get broken- and college students drink beer. You were either unaware of this blatantly obvious truth pre-Tanner McEvoy, or you were desperate for any topic that gives you a chance to insult Spurrier. But please know this: you are out of your league. This is the same fellow who once told Phil Fulmer that you can’t spell “CITRUS” without “UT” and the same dude who publically dismissed you from a press conference. Let it go.

We have also given some thought to your condemnation of Spurrier’s alcohol habits. When we think back to the ultra-sober duo of Brad Scott and Lou Holtz logging 1-21 in 22 games, we are not inclined to complain. 

Our Michael Phelps

  

Whereas Clemson super-star and overall American Hero Sammy Watkins was arrested for a minor drug infraction, Clemson suspended him for two games including the important season opener against Auburn. Suspensions give comfort to the over-reacting, do-gooder hypocrite types. Yet laws of common sense mandate consideration of mitigating circumstances. The editorial board of The Richland Chronicle feels strongly that this matter deserves further analysis. Specifically, we feel the single fact that Watkins was arrested with a soccer player should result in full legal, athletic and moral exoneration.

Any honest South Carolinian, male or female, black or white, athletically gifted or former private school athlete, knows that every car driven by a soccer player contains marijuana. This is a fundamental, empirical and indisputable fact. Soccer players and pot are more interdependent than baseball players and dip. The vehicle of every soccer player comes standard with at least a quarter-bag. A random soccer player’s car is more likely to have pot and corresponding paraphernalia than a steering wheel and gas pedal. Let’s put our cards on the table and be honest: Soccer players require pot.

Watkins' biggest crime is ignorance of the fiber of every soccer player’s being. Furthermore, Clemson University is at fault for not explaining the intimate relationship between soccer players and marijuana to every incoming Freshman. It should be at the core of the orientation curriculum.

And is it really a big deal if Sammy burns a little cheeb’ every now and then? How fast does one person need to be? Let us not forget that while on the campus of the University of South Carolina, the most decorated athlete in the infinite history of the Olympics, Michael Phelps, was photographed exhausting the smoky contents of an over-sized bong, surrounded by equally blazed Gamecock students. It does not seem to be a big deal to his lungs.

We suspect that local sports fans “outraged” by Sammy’s arrest 1) have never met a soccer player...or perhaps more likely 2) know their school’s defensive backs will soon have an increasingly distant view of his predator hair and #1 Clemson jersey ‘blazing’ down the sideline for six.

"Gamecock Fan" Version 2012

 

When July becomes August, “Gamecock Fan” resumes a ritualistic, predictable process. Conversations are initiated with the familiar refrain: “This could be our year!” Interestingly, and with equal predictability, the refrain evolves, usually prematurely, to “There’s always next year!”

It is reasonable to suppose recent successes would serve to satisfy and calm “Gamecock Fan” as Spurrier and several legitimate stars have elevated the program. The actual reaction, however, indicates “Gamecock Fan’s” long-term pessimism and other unfortunate characteristics. From 1-21 to an eleven win season in about a decade is a remarkable ascension. But despite [or maybe because of] the wins and star players, “Gamecock Fan” has raised his standards to impossible heights: second-guessing Spurrier, complaining about the effort of super-stars, communicating with an air of star-crossed doom and ultimately hopelessness.

This behavior was evident in the context of the infinitely more successful, and infinitely less popular, sibling sport: Gamecock Baseball. After accomplishing an improbable feat, two consecutive College World Series titles, the Cocks make it to the title series in 2012. After losing to Arizona in the final series, “Gamecock Fan”…instantly discarding the aggregate success of the three preceding years…complained about the program and lamented individual players.

Another bad habit of “Gamecock Fan” that is getting steadily worse is the tendency to over-allocate praise to players with “a big heart” and under-allocate credit to players with natural talent and skill. Coincidentally, 100% of the “big heart” players are white and 100% of the gifted players are black. Taylor Rank, Chris Dimarco, [insert undersized, slow, walk-on white player here] are entirely responsible for the record breaking performances of Alshon Jeffrey, Marcus Lattimore and [insert future NFL black player here]. The big-hearted hero of the 2012 campaign with the "high motor" has yet to be determined, but be certain he will be white, undersized and probably a walk-on.

Due to these factors, the result of the 2012 Gamecock football season has already been determined even though the first game is more than a month away. The Gamecocks play in the toughest conference in college football and have a hall of fame coach as well as several future NFL players. Despite these considerations “Gamecock Fan,” fueled with the football IQ rendered by a quart of bourbon via a dozen red solo cups and hours of blazing sun will emotionally exclaim that Spurrier is “past his prime,” that Lattimore “missed the hole,” and the big-hearted white player is underappreciated by the media. We have seen that a trip to the SEC championship game and an eleven win season are insufficient… and even two consecutive national titles [in baseball] are not quite good enough. It is thus safe to say, with empirical certainty, that “Gamecock Fan” will end the season irrevocably disappointed, comforted only by the soothing phrase: “There’s always next year!”